Andrew Gurza is an award winning Disability Awareness Consultant, who has been featured in Huff Po, Out.com, The Advocate and many other anthologies and publications. He is the host of Disability After Dark: The Podcast Shining a Bright Light on Disability Stories. Most recently, Andrew was a Production Consultant for the 2022 reboot of Queer As Folk. Find out more at www.AndrewGurza.com
Hello Lovers! Your favorite disabled sex blogger is back with a new piece for you, so get excited! Today on the blog, I wanted to talk about sexual fantasies– we all have them– some of us love the idea of a threesome, sex with someone who isn’t our partner, BDSM and pain, cosplay– the list of what we like in our heads and our beds goes on and on.
One of the things that I have noticed as disabled sex blogger is that whenever we talk about sex in the media, we never include disability, and that’s really frustrating and super ableist. So, as a way to remedy that, I want to explore the top 5 sexual fantasies people have out there and look at the ways to make them accessible to people with disabilities.* (*Author’s Note: The author understands that every disability is different, and what may be accessible to one person, may not be accessible to another.) So, let’s dive right in!
QUICK LINKS:
- Threesomes & Gimpy Group Sex
- BDSM & Disability
- Outdoor Public Sex
- Domination, Submission, & Disability
- Cosplay with that Hot Cripple
Threesome/Gimpy Group Sex
One of the most popular sexual fantasies held out there in 2022 is the idea of a threesome or group sex, because it was featured on every single list I looked at. What wasn’t considered? How to make a threesome or group sex accessible for disabled folks. What I like about group sex and disability (as someone with complex needs who has a lot of care requirements just to have sex), is that by having more people in the room you immediately increase the chances of having extra help. Every time I’ve had multi-partner sex, I have been the only physically disabled person in the room, and so I need help with pretty much everything from transferring out of my wheelchair to positioning for play. In multi-partner scenarios I ask one partner to help with the transfer, while the other assists in positioning. Getting to a place where your partners are confident to help you with this kind of stuff isn’t always easy, so before going head first into that crip throuple, consider sitting each partner down and talking to them openly about what your needs are, and asking them their comfort levels with each.
Having more people in the room you immediately increase the chances of having extra help.
The last time I had a threesome, I was really worried that my two able-bodied partners would enjoy each other more because they could do more physically than I could, and it really stressed me out. So that you don’t get stressed out like I did during your hot disability play party, I would definitely recommend talking to them about ableism; both internal and external. Let them know what you may be scared of upfront, so that it doesn’t follow you into the bedroom.
Another key thing to remember as well: Check in with all your partners during play. Let them know during the session of any pain, discomfort, worries, or what feels good on your disabled body. The more they all know, the more they can give you a helping hand or two or three. Other than that, get your gimp on and go all hands on dick (see what I did?)!
BDSM & Disability
In the world of sexual fantasies, BDSM is right up there. Everything from bondage to spanking can be encompassed within this realm, and that leaves the door open for a whole lot of hot disability related options. When I was doing work on The Bump’n Book of Love, Lust and Disability, compiling stories from other disabled people about their sex, so many of them told me that BDSM actually acted as a kind of pain relief for them. By being able to control the pain through BDSM, it helped them switch off their experience of chronic pain because they could focus on pain which they had control over. Now, c’mon that’s pretty hot, right?
It helped them switch off their experience of chronic pain because they could focus on pain which they had control over.
If you are looking to focus on tying someone up as part of the BDSM, in order to make it accessible I would recommend checking in with your partner about pain, physical function of limbs, and whether or not they feel safe being tied up. A lot of disabled people with complex disabilities like me, cannot bend or be in certain positions for a prolonged period of time, so I would recommend a loose tying up, if any at all, and discussions about what kind of BDSM is comfy for your type of disability. Who knows, you may end up starring in your own 50 Shades of Disability!
Outdoor Public Sex
Another really common fantasy, is of course, outdoor or public sex. At first glance, the idea of making public sex accessible to people with disabilities seems pretty much impossible, considering that so much of our modern society seems hellbent on being inaccessible, but to me that is kind of where the fun part kicks in. You can take a potential partner to inaccessible places with you, and you can explore and talk through the ways in which you might play there. Maybe you wanted to have sex in that dungeon or dark room, but you can’t because your wheelchair won’t fit. But, what would it look like if it did? Can you smell the hot sexy sweat of the dungeon? Feel the heat of all the bodies if you close your eyes? Talking about outdoor sex and making it accessible using your imagination can be just as hot, I say.
But– if you just have to have that outdoor play experience with someone, one of the best ways to do this is to use the accessible spaces already available to people with disabilities; elevators and accessible washroom stalls can make for the perfect play area. They’re usually big enough for most mobility devices and users, and they are usually pretty private. I remember once I had a super hot hookup in a wheelchair accessible elevator, and it was one of the best sexual experiences I’ve had. Pop into that accessible stall with your mobility device and a hot new lover. Everyone else hooks up in there while we’re waiting to pee, why shouldn’t you, an actual disabled person, have the same opportunity?
Domination, Submission, & Disability
Domination & Disability
I kept seeing domination and submission as a big fantasy for a lot of people. I know that many physically disabled people might look at the idea of being dominant and feel that because they can’t walk or move like their non-disabled counterparts, the idea of exploring their D/S (Dom/Sub) traits is off the table. And, I can certainly understand why the idea of being a disabled submissive might seem scary (as so many disabled people experience partner abuse) but, rest easy, you too can be a Disabled Dom or a seated submissive if you choose!
Instead of relying on your physical traits to command attention, you can use your voice to tell your able-bodied partner exactly what you want them to do and how you want them to play out the scene. There is something indescribably sexy about not being able to really move at all in bed, and being able to make the hottest people do the hottest things (with consent of course) using only my voice. Woof!
Sexy, Seated and Submissive
In terms of being a submissive with a disability, one of the things that I appreciate most about this particular fantasy is that it allows me the freedom to simply let go. So many of my experiences as a disabled person require that I be in control, that I know exactly what it is that I need, and also that I know exactly how to direct someone else on what to do. As any disabled person with complex needs will attest, this level of control is exhausting. Taking up the sexy, seated submissive role is a real treat for me because for once I get to immerse myself and let my lover take the reins. In that fantasy, it is really hot to be told what to do, and not have to think any further. Believe me, after a day full of directing caregivers, I crave the submissive role. Of course, this requires a fuck ton of communication and discussion so that I feel safe as a disabled person, and if you are considering subbing as a disabled person, I strongly recommend that you consider your comfort level and/or any internalized ableist feelings that may arise when you take on this role.
Whether you’re a Dom or a Sub with a disability, these popular fantasy roles are indeed accessible to you, they may just require a little bit of sexy disability adaptation, and who doesn’t love an adaptable scene partner, right?
Cosplay with that Hot Cripple
Every list that I went to also included “costume play” as a fantasy that most people held when they think about sex. This one may seem challenging, because similar to the inaccessibility of our physical world for people with disabilities, so too is the fashion world.
So, I got to thinking how do we make sexy cosplay accessible to disabled folks? Well, you and your partner(s) might consider dressing your hot disabled bod together, and spending an afternoon or evening (or the next morning!) exploring which costumes are inaccessible to you, and talking about why that is together. This kind of exercise can be really sensual, but also give the partner(s) of a disabled person a better understanding of the care that goes into being with a disabled person. Moreover, you can play with disability a little bit and dress up your mobility device too, if that seems fun. This way, it may also make the idea of disability a little less daunting if your sexual partner is new to it. I mean, I’ll totally let you dress me and my wheelchair as a race car or something similar if it makes you smile, and relaxes you enough to move things further together. I also think that this type of play allows for the disabled person to feel less self-conscious about their mobility devices in a sexualized space. Turn your cane into a whip, your wheelchair into a sexy throne, and your walker into your sexy support stand – and who knows what will happen next?
These five fantasies were certainly not all the ones out there, but I hope you enjoyed my take on how to make our fantasies accessible to disabled people. We should be talking about disability and access everywhere, always, even in the hottest parts of our minds.
Til Next Time Disabled Lovers,
Andrew
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Further Readings:
How to Have More Adventurous Sex as a Disabled Person: Disability Horizons
Threesomes for People with Physical Disabilities: Threesome Tips
Disability & Neurodivergence in Fantasy & Science Fiction: The Illustrated Page
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