Andrew Gurza is an award winning Disability Awareness Consultant, who has been featured in Huff Po, Out.com, The Advocate and many other anthologies and publications. He is the host of Disability After Dark: The Podcast Shining a Bright Light on Disability Stories. Most recently, Andrew was a Production Consultant for the 2022 reboot of Queer As Folk. Find out more at www.AndrewGurza.com
Click on any sex columnist’s latest piece, and you’re bound to see people writing in and exploring issues they carry with them regarding sexuality: body images issues in the bedroom, longer stamina with a partner, is that fantasy what I really want? The list of potential issues in the bedroom could go on and on… and on. But, one thing that I have yet to see properly addressed in any of those columns, is how to handle ableism in the bedroom and still keep things sexy. As a disabled sex educator, I see this glaring omission all too often; sex and disability is rarely talked about, so we don’t look at ableism and the impact that it can have on our sex lives. I’m going to offer you tips and tricks on how to bring up ableism in the bedroom, and how to keep sexy for you and all your disabled/chronically ill paramours. Strap on, friends!
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Defining Ableism
Before we dive right into the crip tips to combat ableism in the bedroom, it is important that we understand what ableism is. I could write a whole column on ableism by itself, but to give you a crash course, ableism is the implicit or explicit bias against disabled bodies in favor of able-bodies.
You may be thinking, how does that definition come into play when I’m in the bedroom with a disabled person? I won’t be rude or hurtful.” You see, that’s where things can get tricky. We can say things that we think are being kind or inquisitive and not realize that we’re actually perpetuating sexual ableism. I can’t tell you how many times I have been asked, “Can you get an erection?” just as I was about to have sex with a non-disabled partner. It is a definite mood killer.
How to Combat Ableism in the Bedroom
Now, let’s jump right into those crip tips to combat ableism so that you and your partner can have a deliciously disabled date night. Here are three tips to combat ableism in the bedroom:
We always talk about communication as the cornerstone of better sex, right? One of the things that is really important about spending time with a disabled partner, is understanding and learning what their specific needs are. When we think of the bedroom, we envision that old adage from the King himself, “a little less conversation, a little more action”, but when you’re sleeping with a disabled person, it might be more like: “a little more conversation, a little more action.” Let me explain. Talking about you and your partner’s access needs before doing anything in the boudoir can be a great way to combat ableism together. This is because you aren’t making assumptions about one another’s bodies, and you are taking the time to ask one another what you can do to help should an issue present itself. Also, setting the scene and exploring what positions will and won’t work, can really deepen the connection you have with your disabled lover, and is f*cking hot!
Another way that you and a partner might continue your exploration of ableism in the bedroom, is to pull out your phone, and type in “sex games for you and a partner” into your search engine. You will immediately be inundated with so many. Here comes the fun part: I guarantee you that almost none of these games have considered accessibility, so you and your partner can spend the evening adapting them together. This will make incorporating disability into the bedroom fun and easy. Instead of Strip Twister, why not play, Strip You Twister, where you undress your disabled partner who needs assistance? You could play with Kama Sutra Cards, or you could adapt them to Crip* Sutra to make it accessible! What could be hotter?
Combating ableism in the bedroom won’t be a quickie. It takes time and energy to understand all the nuances of sexual ableism and how it can impact your time together. Be patient with yourself and your partner, and if mistakes are made, talk through them together, but don’t beat yourself up when you’re trying to beat off your disabled daddies. Anti-ableist behavior is a journey, and you should be bound to expect a few bumps in the bed. Trust me, the more patience you have in addressing ableism while undressing one another, the sooner you’ll be shouting “DISABLED PEOPLE ARE HOT!” all night long.
In Conclusion
So dear lovers – I hope this list of crip tips is a great jump off point to ramp you up for great sex and disability, and hopefully it has helped you understand ableism a little bit more, so that you too can get a little more anti-ableist action. And, at least now, there is a sex column that finally deals with ableism in the bedroom!
Want more great sex tips?
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Further Readings:
The Facts About Sex + Disability: Aruma
A Comprehensive Guide to Sex Positions for Disabilities: Ro.Co
A Disability-Affirmative Approach to Sex Therapy: Psych Net
