Guest written by Dusty Howard, a trans-masc boxer, poet, and cultural alchemist. He is a writer & a fighter who builds worlds with words. He is following his dreams in Los Angeles, making perfume, and writing his first novel filled with lies and magic. You can follow his thirst traps @transsexualdreamboat or find more of his writing at his website.
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Are you attracted to or dating a transgender or non-binary person, but don’t know what you’re doing in the bedroom? Here are some tips for how to have sex with trans and nonbinary people, without being weird about it.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever googled “How to have sex with a transgender person?” Maybe you’re a cisgender person, and you’ve never found yourself attracted to a trans or nonbinary person before. Or maybe you’re a trans and/or nonbinary person, and you’ve just never hooked up with one of our kind before.
Whichever way you slice it, trans and gender non-conforming people are super hot; so chances are, at some point in your life, you might find yourself wanting to have sex with us. But the problem is, most people don’t have experience sleeping with trans people, and queer and trans sex is rarely covered in sex education content. With 21% of Generation Z identifying as LGBTQ+, there is a high likelihood that at some point you are going to find yourself attracted to someone who identifies outside of the gender binary. When that time comes, you are going to thank your lucky stars that you read this article. Here are five tips to keep in mind when hooking up with or dating transgender, nonbinary, and gender non-conforming people. Before we get started, let’s break a few things down.
QUICK LINKS:
- Don't Be Afraid to Start the Conversation
- Don't Assume They Have Dysphoria
- Do Your Research
- Don't Project Your Fantasies
- Dismantle Internalized Transphobia & Homophobia
Where to Buy Sex Toys for Non-Binary & Trans People
Looking for sex toys? Check out Mud's article, The Trans Masc Guide to Sex Toys to discover their favorite recommended products.
3 Facts About Sex with Trans & Non-Binary People
- Sexuality ≠ Gender. This can’t be said enough, but sexuality and gender are two separate things. Who you are attracted to or who you want to get into the bedroom is different from what your gender is, whether you are nonbinary, a woman, or a man. This also means that transgender people can have all different types of sexual orientations such as gay, straight, bisexual or anything in between. In other words, transgender people can be straight and being attracted to a transgender person also doesn’t automatically make you gay.
- There is no one way to have sex with a trans person. Transgender and nonbinary people have complex needs, desires, turn ons and turns offs, kinks, and communication preferences just like everyone else. If you’ve had sex with anyone before, having sex with a trans person isn’t that different. Remember that bodies are bodies and body parts are only gendered if you make them that way.
- Keep in mind that there are no hard and fast rules for how to have sex with anybody, trans people included. What feels good and hot and orgasmic for one person might not work for someone else. No two people are the same and that goes for LGBTQ+ people as well. Sex is always a conversation between two (or more) people and how good it feels depends on the chemistry, kinks, and sexual histories of all people involved. But even admitting this can bring you one step closer to the type of communication and awareness needed to unlock your wildest sexual fantasies.
All of that said, here are some general tips that can help you feel confident in the bedroom with the transgender and/or nonbinary hottie you’ve been crushing on.
How to Have Sex with a Trans or Non-Binary Person
Don’t Be Afraid to Start the ConversationDirect communication is hot. Who decided that talking before sex ruins the mood? It’s 2022 and—despite the media representation up until this point—we should all know that good sex happens when people are able to talk to each other. This is especially true when it comes to sex with trans and nonbinary folks. Transgender people can often feel like our bodies or genders are an obstacle that gets in the way of being able to have the types of sex or relationships we want to have. Nothing can make you feel more othered than the feeling of being the only person in the room who has needs. There is nothing hotter than a cisgender person realizing this and not being afraid to start the conversation.
It’s important to get on the same page about what type of language everybody uses to refer to their bodies. Maybe you’ve never thought much about this if you’re a cisgender person, but everyone has preferences when it comes to what words they use to refer to their own body parts. Do you call it your vagina or your pussy? Cock or dick? How do you want other people to refer to your junk? What words are a turn off?
Remember, transgender and nonbinary people aren’t the only people with preferences. Chances are, we’ve just had to think about it more. This can be a good jumping off point to start the conversation about sexual health, consent, and do’s and don’ts in the bedroom. If you’re making out and things are starting to get heated, let the other person know that you find communication sexy. Make sure that you’re always speaking from your own perspective and about your own desires, how you do and don’t like to be touched, and ask your sexual partners to do the same if they feel comfortable.
When’s the last time you were tested for sexually transmitted infections (STIs)? Is there anything in your sexual history that you want to share? Are there parts of your body that you don’t like touched or that you need touched in a certain way? Are you a dirty talker or do you prefer non-verbal sex? What are your turn ons or kinks? Are there any sexual activities that you love but might need a disclaimer or some context? Are there some sexual activities that are off the table entirely? These conversations aren’t exclusive to sex with transgender and nonbinary people, but the more literate and practiced you become in asking and answering these types of questions for yourself, the more confident and caring you will be in the bedroom with others.
You might find that both of you have relatively little needs or preferences for how sex goes down, and that’s all good too! Good communication often enhances whatever type of sex you’re having, even if that means people both agreeing that they just want to STFU and fuck. These types of conversations can help you practice safe sex, radical consent, and make sure everyone is on the same page and feels enthusiastic about hooking up before, during, and after.
Don’t Assume That All Transgender or Non-Binary People have DysphoriaGender Dysphoria is the feeling of unease or discomfort that comes with your body not aligning with your gender. It’s important to know that dysphoria is not a prerequisite to being transgender or nonbinary, but rather a subjective and personal experience that varies widely from person to person. Some transgender people feel a crippling sense of dysphoria, especially if they haven’t been able to access trans-specific healthcare such as gender-affirming surgeries or hormones, while others feel relatively at home in their bodies unless they experience transphobia from others.
Many transgender folks don’t feel dysphoric about their genitals unless someone else explicitly refers to their junk or touches it in a gendered way that hasn’t previously been agreed upon. While it can be a fantasy for many cisgender people to fuck “a boy with a pussy” or “a girl with a cock,” it’s important to understand the way this type of thinking can fetishize trans people, unless it’s been negotiated beforehand and feels good for all parties involved.
If someone you’re sleeping with does have dysphoric or dissociative feelings come up during sex, make sure to hold space for them. Ask respectful questions, see if there is anything you can do to make things better, and don’t take it personally. Make sure to let your sexual partner know that there is no pressure to have any particular type of sex or perform any specific sexual activities. These small gestures can make the world of difference when someone is feeling triggered or out of their body in any way.
Do Your Research
Not all trans and nonbinary bodies work the same way that cisgender bodies do, especially if someone’s transition has included gender-affirming surgeries such as top surgery or bottom surgery, or if they are currently on estrogen or testosterone hormone replacement therapy (HRT). Don’t make assumptions about what junk your partner does and doesn’t have, how it functions, or what types of sexual activities they are into. If your partner has had bottom surgery, they will likely let you know what works for them in the bedroom.
Hormone replacement therapy can cause a wide range of changes in sexual function and anatomy—including bottom growth for transgender men and trans masculine folks and changes in libido for trans women and trans feminine people. Make sure to do your research on the ways that transgender and non-binary people experience their bodies. This will give you a rough framework for expectations when it comes to knowing how medicalized transition can affect someone’s sex life.
Don’t Project Your Fantasies on to Us
Trans people know what it feels like to be fetishized. Fetishization can happen anytime that we project our sexual fantasies onto someone without their explicit or implicit consent or participation. Do some work to understand what your gendered sexual expectations of trans or nonbinary people might be and where you got those (be that from the porn you’ve watched, messages you’ve received, or other sexual experiences with transgender people).
Do you assume transgender men are bottoms or transgender women are tops? Do you assume trans masculine people don’t like to be touched or fucked or that trans feminine people have gender dysphoria with their junk? Check yourself if you walk into a sexual encounter with any of these stereotypes in your head. Meet people where they are at and if you’re not sure, just ask.
Commit to Dismantling your Own Internalized Transphobia and Homophobia
We all were socialized in the same global context that believes being LGBTQ+ something to be ashamed of. Even if you are accepting of gay people or have nonbinary friends, being attracted to (or even just questioning your attraction to) people of the same sex or transgender people can bring up a whole other set of feelings that need to be unpacked. We all learn from a very young age that gay people, transgender people, and gender non-conforming people are not normal or attractive. Which means that to be attracted to us is something that is shameful and threatening to heterosexuality and normalcy. To date and sleep with transgender people is to be deeply committed to unlearning these messages.
Don’t train yourself to use people’s pronouns, but actually conceptualize them as their gender. If your partner is out about their trans identity, then be open and proud about the fact you are dating or attracted to them. Love them openly and publicly. Don’t hide us away, ghost us, or lie to your friends and family because you are afraid of what they might think. While you may experience feelings of exclusion or discomfort, part of your job as an ally is to work through any shame you might carry. Many of us cannot hide our gender identity the way you can conceal your attraction for us. Loving and desiring trans people is not something to be ashamed of. Treat us with the same respect and dignity that you want to be treated, unless we’ve consensually agreed otherwise *wink.*
If you’ve made it this far, congratulations. You’re one step closer to bagging the trans hottie of your dreams. Just remember, don’t overthink it. Don’t stress out or worry about offending someone. Know that you won’t get it perfect, but try anyway. If you mess up or say something wrong, apologize and move forward. You might feel like you’re doing this for the first time, because hey, maybe you are. That’s okay. We’ve all got to start somewhere. Be honest, humble, open, receptive, and may you have the hottest and most banging sex of your life. Because once the gendered limitations of sex are lifted, the possibilities are truly endless.
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Further Readings:
A Guide to Having Sex with Trans Woman for Queer Cis Women: Allure
An Open Letter on Trans-Hetro Sex: Playboy
Myths About Trans Sex: Daily Dot
