AM I JUST NERVOUS? A TRAUMA-INFORMED APPROACH TO CONSENT

Guest written by Cory Bush (they/them), a sex positive doula and relationship coach based in Brooklyn, NY. They have been working in the sex-positive space for over four years, teaching workshops, performing at events, and offering private coaching. Cory is a Certified Full Spectrum Doula and incorporates much of their training and experience as a doula into their work as a coach. They’ve written for publications including Dipsea, Merry Jane, and Momotaro and have been featured as an expert for articles in Men’s Health, InStyle, and Cosmopolitan. They primarily educate on topics including but not limited to sex, reproductive health, relationships, non-monogamy, kink, and consent.

If you’re a sexually active human, you’ve probably (hopefully) heard about something called “enthusiastic consent.” If you haven’t, enthusiastic consent revolves around the idea that if it isn’t a “hell yes” then it’s a “hell no.” This model of consent is, generally, quite helpful. It encourages us to tune into our vessel and make decisions from an embodied place. But how do you navigate consent when you can’t accurately interpret those signals from your body?

QUICK LINKS:

  1. What is a Trauma-Informed Approach to Consent?
  2. How Do I Practice Trauma-Informed Consent?

What is Trauma-Informed Consent?

While enthusiastic consent sounds great in theory, it is not fully trauma-informed nor comprehensive. Survivors of trauma, folks living with PTSD or C-PTSD, and neurodivergent folks often have difficulty interpreting internal signals which can make the idea of “enthusiastic” consent intimidating or even unattainable. I, myself, am a neurodivergent survivor of trauma living with C-PTSD, and sometimes it feels as though I’m on a lifelong quest to discover what “enthusiastic” consent actually feels like. That’s not to say that I haven’t had those “hell yes” kind of sexual experiences. But for me, determining if it’s a “hell yes” before play begins is often shrouded in a veil of potentially unnecessary alarm bells caused over and under-active neural receptors. And maybe if you’re reading this, you’re familiar with this struggle as well.

Navigating enthusiastic consent can be hard.

In order to conquer this conundrum, I think it’s first important to understand why things like trauma and neurodivergence affect us in this way. We know from years of neuroscience research, that when we experience trauma, our brains take in that information and develop immediate coping strategies to respond to the stimuli: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. PTSD and C-PTSD is what happens when our brains don’t let go of those coping strategies even after the traumatic event or period has ended and continue to use these mechanisms in situations where they are not warranted. On the other hand, neurodivergent brains were born with difficulty processing both internal and external stimuli, and may experience hypersensitivity, hyposensitivity, and/or have trouble reading social cues. Regardless if it’s trauma or just the way your brain was built, navigating enthusiastic consent can be hard.

How Do I Practice Trauma-Informed Consent?

So now that we know why this happens, what can we do to combat it? How can we give our bodies and brains enough reassurance that we are, in fact, safe to explore and enjoy our sexual desires to the fullest extent?

  • Pick Your Partners Wisely
    If you’re playing with people who you’re scared to be fully vulnerable around, it’s unlikely that your internal alarm system will quiet down any time soon. Choose partners who you can communicate openly with before, during, and after play. Talk to them about your fears beforehand and collaborate on solutions to address them. Ask for reassurance when you need it. If they push back or give you any trouble on the needs you’re expressing, they might be someone who seeks to gain something from your lack of boundaries. 
  • Explore an Opt-Out Consent Model
    If you feel confident communicating your boundaries during play but murky on your desires, consider exploring an “opt out” model of consent. It’s important that this is negotiated beforehand and that any hard limits or clear boundaries have been expressed to establish the contents of the container you’re about to share. Once you’re in that negotiated container, you and your partner(s) can be free to explore what comes naturally, with the known caveat that some activities will probably get shut down and that play doesn’t necessarily need to end when that happens. This is great for folks who primarily experience responsive desire as opposed to spontaneous desire.
  • Utilize Nonverbal Communication Tools
    Sometimes verbal communication during play can feel difficult or awkward. If this is true for you, consider negotiating some nonverbal signals so that your body doesn’t need to rely on your voice to communicate if something is bothering you. You can use hand gestures, tapping, snapping, head movements, and other physical cues. Make sure to be clear on what those specific cues mean and what the other person/people should do if someone uses a nonverbal signal before play starts.
  • Pre-negotiate Aftercare
    This should be true for all negotiations but it’s especially helpful for survivors. Knowing what kind of aftercare you’re going to receive before play even starts can help to ease our minds going into play. You might even want to experiment with negotiating your aftercare at the beginning of your conversation, before you start talking about play. Knowing that you have a safety net waiting for you and knowing exactly what it will look and feel like, can help our minds let go of fear and get genuinely excited about play.

Remember, if feeling an enthusiastic “yes!” in your body is hard, please know that you’re not alone. You can absolutely still have fun, exciting, and consensual sexual experiences with the right kind of skills and support. Lastly, give yourself grace and patience as you navigate this. This is tough stuff. You got this.

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Further Readings:

Assault Survivors Hiding Trauma, Even From Themselves: The Guardian
The Psychological Consequences of Sexual Trauma: Vawnet
Having Healthy Sex & Relationships After Abuse: Psychalive

WITH PLEASURE,

LOVERS 

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