So you want to get kinky. That’s cool. What does that mean? No one wakes up one day knowing how to explore a kink and make sure it’s a great experience for all involved. We talk a lot about kink at Lovers and we realized we needed to write a guide for anyone who’s truly starting from Square 1. This guide is for you if you have a vague idea that “kinky sex stuff” might be fun, but really don’t know where to start.
QUICK LINKS:
- Defining Kink
- Why Do People Enjoy BDSM & Kink?
- Preparing for a Kink Encounter
- How to Incorporate Kink into Your Sex Life
Step 1: Understanding Kink
We want to do things right here, so we’re starting with some basic definitions. Having a clear idea of what you’re talking about, thinking about, and asking other people if they want to partake in is a foundational element of making your dive into kink a positive experience.
In human sexuality, kinkiness is the use of non-conventional sexual practices, concepts or fantasies. The term derives from the idea of a "bend" in one's sexual behavior, to contrast such behavior that is considered more common, conventional, or “appropriate.” - Becoming a Kink Aware Therapist
Some examples of common kinks include:
BDSM (Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism)
Probably the most commonly fantasized kink, BDSM includes a wide assortment of actions and interactions including power play dynamics (Dominant/Submissive), impact play (spanking), and being tied up or restrained. Learn more about this particular kink in our Pleasure University Guide to Kink.
Roleplay
When two or more people act out different characters to bring a sexual fantasy to life, usually with aid of costumes and props. Learn more about sexual role play with our article, Choose Your Character: A Beginner’s Guide to Roleplay.
Voyeurism
The act of watching someone in sexually compromised, exposed, or suggestive situations. In voyeuristic fantasies, it is often implied that the viewer is unaware they are being watched. Learn more about voyeurism in our article, The Ultimate Guide to Outdoor Sex: How to Get Off in Public.
Water Sports
A slang term used to describe sexual activities involving urine. Water sports may entail drinking urine, observing someone urinate, or being urinated on- which is popularly referred to as a Golden Shower.
Step 2: Why Kink?
There are several reasons why people might enjoy various kinks. Some people develop kinks early in life, as they stem from a foundational feeling of excitement that develops into an arousal as they get older. Think someone who enjoys being captured during a playful game of cops and robbers who grows up to enjoy bondage.
Other people discover their passion for one or more kinks as they explore their sexuality as adults. Acting out a kink can be a way to experience feelings that someone does not have easy access to in their day to day life, like relinquishing control and being submissive.
Sharing a kinky experience with a partner or group can also enhance intimacy and strengthen a bond between two or more partners. Why are you interested in one kink or another? Sharing what intrigues you or turns you on about your kinks can be a great way to begin the discussion of adding it to your next sexy time session!
Step 3: Preparation
Start with things you already know you like.
Before you get kinky- get prepped! Don’t try to bring the kink in before everyone is feeling aroused and comfortable. Use foreplay to ease into the moment when you’ll get kinky. Lay out a plan first. Take some time to consider and talk to your partner(s) about everyone’s interests (what you would each like to try), comfort level (how far will we take this), limits (what is completely off limits), safe word (consider this as a way to alert your partner at any moment that you want to stop).
Take this Kink Compatibility Quiz! Carnal Calibration is a questionnaire designed for you to air all of your sexual fantasies with no limits. Simply run through a list of questions, and scenarios answering yes, no or maybe, and have your partner do the same. If your kinks and quirks match up, they will be visible at the end of your session. No awkward conversations necessary.
Step 4: Getting Kinky
Shop for Supplies
Explore our assortment of kinky toys and products.
Experiment Alone
This isn’t always possible, but it can be easier to try something for the first time on your own without concern for another person’s reaction.
Take a Class
If the kink you’re interested in requires some learning or safety guidelines, we strongly encourage learning before acting! Classes for kinks like bondage, shibari, impact play, Dom/Sub experiences, and more are available online and in person depending on your location. Oh Yes Please, Kink Academy, Kinkly, and Sunny Megatron are four websites that you can look at for more resources!
Create a Safe Word
A Safe Word is pre-negotiated word or signal that signifies the end of an activity between a Dom and their Sub. If you plan to explore Kink with a partner, discussing your Safe Words and expectations can help to ensure everyone's safety and enjoyment.
Some people choose to utilize a set of Safe Words like "Red" (Stop), "Yellow" (Slow Down), and "Green" (Proceed) to guide the experience as it is taking place. If you are interested in using a Gag or restricting a partners ability to speak- hand signals, blinking patterns, and grunts can be used to alert a partner of your needs.
Try “Low Key” Kinks
Sensation play (tickling, scratching, warming or cooling sex toys, wax play) and light impact play (spanking) can be simple ways to explore your kinky side.
Talk Dirty
This is another low key way to slowly build from foreplay into kink! For tips on how to talk dirty, read our blog, Voice Activated Genitals: A Beginner's Guide to Dirty Talk!
Keep Communicating
Remember to keep checking in with your partner(s)!
Aftercare
Be sure to be kind to yourself and your partner(s) after any kink experience. Apply physical care as needed, like a balm for impact spots, or just cuddling. Check in about what you both enjoyed and what could be improved for next time. Want to learn more? Read our blog, The ABC's of Aftercare.
Want more great sex tips?
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Further Readings:
A Beginner's Guide to Kink: Women's Health Magazine
5 Steps to Start Exploring Kink with a Partner: Sex with Emily
Kinky Sex Ideas for Beginners: Refinery29
WITH PLEASURE,
