Dana (@danathehardway) is the lead copywriter for Lovers. She is passionate about writing, allyship, sex-positivity, and telling good jokes.

If you’re not having orgasms, or only occasionally having orgasms, you probably want them. If you are having them on a consistent basis, you probably wouldn’t be mad about having more of them. Right?

Media, our friends, what feels like the entire world, tell us that orgasms are practically the whole point of being a sexual being. You’re supposed to want to orgasm and then you’re supposed to have orgasms. That’s the whole story most of us hear and then spend a lot of time trying to live. But what if it’s not that simple?

QUICK LINKS:

1. How Long Does it Take to Orgasm?
2. The Riddle of Goal-Oriented Sex
3. Four Ways to Intensify Your Orgasms

How Long Does it Take to Orgasm?

Plenty of folks out there can’t just orgasm on command (probably most of us, but stay with me here). The average person, regardless of the body parts they are stimulating, takes at least a few minutes to reach climax, often needing more than ten or even 20 minutes of proper stimulation to get over the orgasm edge.

When you look at only the basic element of time to orgasm, it doesn’t seem terrible to be someone who takes a while to get there. More fun, right? 

The stories we tell ourselves, that are pressuring us out of pleasure.

So what about those people who aren’t orgasming very often or ever? There’s so much emotion around the story we tell ourselves about who we are as sexual beings and it can really mess with someone’s head when the cultural story about being able to orgasm doesn’t fit our lived experience.

There are plenty of reasons why orgasm might be difficult or impossible for you to achieve. We covered a lot of the external factors in a previous article, Here’s Why You Have Trouble Orgasming. It’s important to consider if any of those apply to you, but it can be that same cultural story and the stories we tell ourselves, that are pressuring you out of pleasure.

The Riddle of Goal-Oriented Sex

By putting so much emphasis on reaching orgasm during sex, especially partnered sex where orgasm is received as a sign of “successful” sexual experiences, we make sex goal-oriented. While having an orgasm can be a fantastic part of sex and emphasize the sensations and feelings of pleasurable sex, it doesn’t have to be that black and white. Having an orgasm doesn’t necessarily mean the sex was mind-blowing and not having one doesn’t mean you didn’t enjoy yourself. We should consider every sexual experience as an opportunity for discovery, joy, and intimacy. While it might sound cliché, framing your mindset around sex being a journey, rather than just something you do to get to an orgasm, can make a big difference.

Have you ever heard the term “a watched pot never boils?” Well, the same thing applies to focusing too much on trying to have an orgasm. When you allow yourself to relax and be present during sex that can be exactly when orgasms sneak up on you. Regulating your nervous system and creating psychological safety gives your body the space it needs to actually feel the sensations and stimulation that can bring about an orgasm. Try not to worry about whether or not you’re going to orgasm and just enjoy being with your partner and exploring pleasure. 

Of course, not focusing on orgasms during sex might be easier said than done, especially if it’s something you’ve struggled with for a while. So what else can you do to help ease into the journey or pleasure and letting the orgasm find you?

Four Ways to Strengthen Your Orgasm

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• Change How You View Foreplay
  Standard foreplay like oral sex, nipple stimulation, etc., can be an anxiety trigger if you struggle to orgasm. Changing what you consider foreplay can help with both avoiding that stress and with creating a slow climb to arousal. Foreplay can last as long as you want and can be anything from dirty talk texts, sexy selfies, listening to erotica (together or individually), and anything else that gets you going but doesn’t jump immediately to sex activity. Find ten unusual foreplay ideas here!
  
  
• Masturbate
  Finding and understanding what sorts of sensations, stimulation, time, and techniques you like (or don’t like) are key components to finding your way to an orgasm. Spending more time with yourself will inevitably help you build a clearer map to satisfying sex (and hopefully orgasms) for you and your partner. Sex toys like the Womanizer line of pulsators have been studied and show some promise in aiding people with vulvas in achieving orgasms. 
  
  
• Try a Topical Stimulant
  Products like Slow Sex Clitoral Sensitizing Balm have body-safe ingredients that help with arousal and amplify sensations. Used in tandem with a sex toy, a partner, and/or the other techniques listed here could potentially help you achieve orgasm.
  
  
• Use Grounding Techniques Before Sex
  Feeling grounded, calm, and present in your body can be a big help when trying to focus less on the hunt for orgasms. Try doing some deep breathing or meditation alone or with your partner before starting anything to ensure you’re in a good place to enjoy yourself. Curious about the science behind mindfulness and meditation? It’s been studied!

And last but not least - remember that it’s totally okay to not orgasm during sex. 

Further Readings:
How to Focus During Sex: NYLON Magazine
5 Ways to Stay More Present During Sex: AstroGlide
Sex Therapy with Sensate Focus: Very Well Mind

WITH PLEASURE, 

LOVERS