Guest Written by Xenia E., a freelance sex and mental health writer. Xenia focuses on sex work, LGBTQIA+ issues, menstrual equity, gender, and trauma. She holds a BA in writing from The New School. You can see more of her work on Twitter at @_xeniae.
In the Netflix show Sex, Love, and Goop, couples embark on sexual healing journeys with the help of bona fide sexperts—some are sex coaches, and some are hands-on somatic sexological bodyworkers. Each individual has a sexual conundrum they want to work through. One woman’s partner thinks her clitoris is too small, but through the help of a sex coach, she learns she simply has more clitoral hood than she thought. Another participant sought to learn how to be in their body during sex. As unsure as I was about the show at first, it was heartening to see how relatable most people’s sexual issues are and how conscious sexuality is an antidote.
According to the Institute for Somatic Sexology site, the practice leads to embodiment through deeper presence, awareness, and understanding of the mind-body connection. Somatic sexology pulls from age-old practices like yoga, meditation, and tantra while utilizing neuroscience and psychology.
As it turns out, a study published in Psychosom Med found that mindfulness practices showed promising results in treating sexual dysfunction. The study uncovered that mindfulness improved three psychological barriers to arousal.
Is the key to a better sex life really as seemingly simple as mindfulness? I had more questions about mindfulness and sexuality, so I reached out to somatic sexuality coach Elena Lynn of Sacral Empowerment, about conscious sexuality and pleasure.
QUICK LINKS:
- What is Conscious Sexuality?
- What are Conscious Sexuality Practices?
- How To Be Present During Sex
- How Long Should I Practice Conscious Sexuality?
- How to Reformat the Goal of Sex
What is Conscious Sexuality?
How we behave as sexual individuals is more deeply rooted than you might think. Our adult selves include all the layers that have shaped our sexual selves, like how our families talked about sex in the homes we grew up in, to what stories around sex we saw repeated through pop culture.
To define conscious sexuality, Lynn says, it’s “bringing awareness to sexuality. It's bringing curiosity to our sexual selves—how did I get here? How did I acquire my beliefs about sex? Are these beliefs and attitudes mine?”
Lynn continues, “we're so influenced by magazines, religion, our parents' subconscious ideas about sex. When we make sex conscious, we shine a light on beliefs we maybe didn't know we had. With curiosity and gentleness, we can start to shed those beliefs and find our authentic expression of sexuality.”
Conscious sexuality, then, is a form of deconditioning any preconceived ideas and lessons about sex. You might also describe conscious sexuality as the moment that mindfulness comes to bed.
What are Conscious Sexuality Practices?
Conscious sexuality practices are more accessible than you’d think. And no, you don’t need to head to a tantra retreat wrapped in a linen cloth to reap the benefits. Lynn offers the most instrumental shift, which sounds easy but is quite difficult, is to slow down.
“Slow down during solo sex, slow down during partner sex. Try moving at a quarter speed. As you do so, focus on sensation. Notice if any emotions bubble up. Slowing down uncovers what's underneath,” says Lynn.
Conscious sexuality might extend way beyond your sex life. Through practicing conscious sexuality personally and as a guide with clients, Lynn says that what you can uncover is “emotional blockages, unmet needs from childhood, ways that we have said yes when we meant no.” And, unsurprisingly, a whole lot of shame. Lynn lists trauma resolution as a natural byproduct of conscious sexuality practices.
What’s vital during conscious sexuality is to pay attention to your internal experience. Lynn suggests, “if you usually use porn or fantasize, gently bring your attention back to sensation in your body.”
What If Being Present During Sex is Hard?
Being present for sex isn’t always an innate ability, especially in a culture where we check our phones an average of 96 times a day (according to Asurion’s 2019 research); you can only imagine that number increased throughout the pandemic. Shame, insecurity, or hyper-focus on achieving orgasm can compound dysfunction. Staying in the moment can be difficult.
To practice being present during sex, Lynn suggests, you might bring awareness to any heat in your body or the air temperature on your skin.
Next, you might bring awareness to the genitals such as tingling in your clitoris or frenulum, Lynn notes. “I have people name their sensations out loud sometimes; it can help bring focus and attention there. When you feel sensation, you can imagine breathing into it, seeing it expand.”
Through self-exploration or with a partner, you might try a variety of touches like light and feathery, compression, stroking, or scratching. The goal isn’t necessarily to get off but to pay attention. Focus on any responses you might have; this is often how people learn they like types of touch they might not have realized.
Benefits occur when you feel safe, Lynn notes. Set up your space to facilitate safety, whatever that means to you. This could look like locking the door to your room, lighting a candle, or making your environment warm. Pro tip? Unplug from technology or make sure to silence that ever-obnoxious bing from a new email.
It’s Not Just a Quick Fix
Why isn’t it common knowledge that we can use mindfulness to alleviate sexual dysfunction? Well, erectile dysfunction drugs are a multibillion-dollar market. And mindfulness practices are free.
Lynn notes that the benefits of conscious sexuality are for everyone, from kink practitioners to celibate folks. Because it’s a process-oriented experience, it’s continual rather than a quick-fix for sexual dysfunction or an earth-shattering orgasm.
But over time, Lynn reports clients can notice so much more sensation, different full-body orgasms, and even energy orgasms. The impacts can benefit your sex life, emotional world, and enhance spirituality through a deeper feeling of connectedness.
Reformulating the Goal Behind Sex
Because conscious sexuality is process-oriented, Lynn offers you might take orgasming off the table and instead, focus on the entire experience and all of the intricacies along the way. Focusing on orgasm as the primary goal of sex is male-centric (i.e., sex ends upon ejaculation).
Through conscious sexuality, you might question habitual patterns. Partners who have been with each other for a long time might know exactly how to get each other off, but where can they slow down the process and become curious?
“You can't deeply explore sexuality without deeply exploring yourself. So looking at your sexuality has big ripple effects into self-love, relating with others, expressing yourself,” Lynn says. Conscious sexuality is deprogramming from conditioned beliefs and permitting yourself to explore formerly stigmatized territory.
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Further Readings:
Mindful Sex is Mind-blowing Sex: Psychology Today
What is Mindful Sex: The Good Trade
What's Sex Got to Do With Mindfulness?: Mindful
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