HOW TO GIVE SEXUAL FEEDBACK

Dana (@danathehardway) is the lead copywriter for Lovers. She is passionate about writing, allyship, sex-positivity, and telling good jokes.

It’s been said that it’s easier to have sex than to talk about it. 

While that might be true, making the effort to communicate consistently and effectively about your sexual relationship with your partner(s) can have numerous positive effects. We hope the tips in this article will help you get things started.

QUICK LINKS:

  1. What is Sexual Feedback?
  2. Why Would You Want to Give Sexual Feedback?
  3. Why Would You Want to Receive Sexual Feedback?
  4. The Golden Rule: How Sexual Feedback Leads to Better Sex
  5. How to Give Sexual Feedback

What is Sexual Feedback?

Sexual feedback is telling your partner about how you experienced the sensations, stimulation, feelings, and effects of sex. It’s another way of sharing the experience, leaving space to continue to improve your experience, and growing intimately as a person and a partner. When done with kindness and openness from both (or more) partners it can be an extremely healthy form of communication in a sexual relationship.

Why Would You Want to Give Sexual Feedback?

Research shows that couples who have better communication about their sex lives are more satisfied overall with their relationships. By actively working to build a solid foundation of communication and ease of discussion around your desires, suggestions, fantasies, and concerns allows you to reach your pleasure potential! What’s better than the best sex possible?

Why Would You Want to Receive Sexual Feedback?

In reverse, giving your partner the freedom to show up vulnerably about what they want and need from your relationship can only benefit both of you in the long run.

The Golden Rule: How Sexual Feedback Leads to Better Sex

We love the idea that “treating others the way you want to be treated” can be applied to creating a gorgeous and stimulating intimate relationship because it brings empathy into play. Putting yourself in your partner’s shoes (or lingerie?) gives you the chance to respond in ways that validate and honor their feelings the way you would want them to do the same for you. 

How to Give Sexual Feedback

BEFORE

  • DON’T talk right after you do the deed. This can be too emotional or vulnerable for most people.

  • DO wear clothes. Even a robe can help you feel safer and more open to a potentially difficult conversation.

  • DO pick a neutral location. Try not to do this in the bedroom.

DURING

*If you really feel the urge to give some feedback or gentle instructions during sex, here are a few tips to ensure your comments don’t derail the fun.

  • DO mix what you want in with some dirty talk
  • DO keep it positive
  • Let your body do the talking - This doesn’t work for everything but if what you’re trying to get across is “more” or “do that again,” then a gesture like 
  • Play show and tell - Show them exactly what you want by performing the act on them or on yourself!

AFTER

  • DO start having conversations about sex early in your relationship and create trust and intimacy. This makes it easy to keep doing so. If you missed the boat on that one, it’s not too late. You can start doing so at anytime, it just might take a bit more work to get into a groove if you’re sexual relationship is already well established.

  • DON’T complain. Defensiveness and feeling threatened are bad for communication and complaints are a sure fire way to inspire these reactions in your partner. 

  • DO keep your comments kind and positive. Try the “compliment sandwich” if you need to give some harder feedback. This is where you “sandwich” the less pleasant part in between two positive things or compliments.

  • DO start slowly when sharing fantasies. Start with vanilla fantasies, make sure to include your partner’s role.

  • DON’T be afraid to share. We’re not as weird as we think and most fantasies fall into a small number of similar categories.

  • DO focus on your own pleasure - this helps you identify what your want/like and alleviates the pressure of performance anxiety.

  • DON’T expect them to read your mind. Be clear. Offer explanations or instructions to help your partner pinpoint what it is you want.

  • DO listen and ask questions.
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Further Readings:

How to Give Sexual Feedback without Crushing Their Self-Esteem: Bedside
The Effects of False-Negative & False-Positive Physiological Sexual FeedbackArchives of Sexual Behavior
Talking About Sex: Asha Sexuality
 

WITH PLEASURE,

LOVERS