A GUIDE TO MANAGING MISMATCHED LIBIDOS

Dana (@danathehardway) is the lead copywriter for Lovers. She is passionate about writing, allyship, sex-positivity, and telling good jokes.

Part of sex positivity is recognizing the act(s) of sex as natural, biological, instinctive, and healthy for consenting adults to take part in. Which is wonderful, because all those things are true, but when we hear words like “instinctive” and “natural” it can bring with it the connotation that it’s always easy and we should always want to engage in it. That isn’t true. Sex isn’t always (one could even argue rarely) a simple experience and everyone’s desire for sex is different. When two people in a partnership have sex drives that function at different levels, it can be difficult to navigate and easy to become frustrated and resentful.  

QUICK LINKS:

1. Why is My Sex Drive So Low/High?
2. How to Navigate Mismatched Libidos
3. How to Navigate Mismatched Kinks

Why is My Sex Drive Different from My Partners?

A key element to remember here is that wherever your sex drive lies on the scale of non-existent to stratospheric craving, that is healthy. While the main message we receive is that only people with high libidos are functioning properly, it’s not any healthier than any other level of desire.

However much you desire sex is “normal” and totally ok.

Libido is easily affected by many factors and it’s completely normal for your sex drive to wax and wain a bit, sometimes being higher and others lower depending on what’s going on in your life. Many things- including stress, competing priorities, past experiences, trauma, your views on sex, and plenty of other factors- can impact a person’s desire. Shifting our mindsets out of shame and blame around how our individual libidos function is important, if for no other reason than these can also further suppress desire! No one feels sexy when they feel shamed.

How to Navigate Sex with Mismatched Libidos

There are lots of ways that we can balance our needs. Take a look at this list of helpful tips that we've curated below:

• Recognize that finding a balance is a more likely solution than changing either partner’s sex drive.
  It’s not so much about “changing” sex drives as it is about getting to a place where everyone feels safe and confident about having their needs met. For one partner, this might mean making time and space for sex consistently, while another partner needs to feel assured that they are not obligated or pressured to have sex more than they want to.
• Part of finding a balance for partners with mismatched libidos is being honest about each person’s needs and desires.
  No one is a mind-reader and everyone is responsible for voicing what they need and want so everyone is on the same page.
• Keep dating to stay sexually motivated and make foreplay a priority. 
  Non-sexual touch, sexy texts or notes, and making plans (go on the date, even if it’s just to your patio for a glass of wine after the kids are in bed) are all great ways to bring joy and intimacy into your every day interactions that can lead to arousal. Don’t forget, your mind is the most powerful aphrodisiac of all.
• Redefine it, flip the script. 
  As we’ve mentioned before, in sex (as in life) it’s the journey, not the destination. As Dr. Carol Rinklieb Ellison says in the book New Directions In Sex Therapy,  “Intercourse and orgasms are choices, not requirements, for successful lovemaking.”
• It doesn’t sound sexy, but scheduling sex can help ensure that you have blocked out time for intimacy.
  It doesn’t have to actually end in intercourse and orgasms, it just clears space to focus on being together. Try not to make that time bedtime though or you’re more likely to end up snoring than smooching.
• Empathize with your partner.
  In situations like this, it can be emotional and difficult for both partners and empathy can go a long way toward making your partner feel seen and solutions-oriented. Remember that it’s never just one partner’s “problem.”
• See a counselor or therapist who specializes in sex therapy.
  It can be extremely helpful to have an unbiased third party help you to work through roadblocks in your sexual relationship and give you tools to continue navigating differing sex drives.

How to Navigate Mismatched Kinks

Navigating mismatched libidos can be challenging, but have you ever had to navigate a mismatched kink or fantasy? Check out our blog on how to approach mismatched kinks, for more tips on bringing your BDSM fantasies to life.

Further Readings:
Coping with Mismatched Sex Drives: Medical News Today
6 Women Describe How They Handled Mismatched Libidos: Glamour
10 Natural Ways to Increase Your Libido: Healthline

WITH PLEASURE, 

LOVERS