We talk about boundaries when discussing family members (hello, holidays!), work relationships, and even with strangers - however, have you thought about how you create boundaries in the bedroom? We get it, talking about boundaries in an intimate setting does not sound like the most erotic activity! But allow us to persuade you. Once you clearly communicate what you do and do not want to engage in, it actually helps you open up emotionally and physically within your own comfort zone - plus, it leads to deeper connections (and dare we say, more pleasurable experiences.)
To start off, what are boundaries?
According to Psychology Today, “Healthy boundaries are those boundaries that are set to make sure mentally and emotionally you are stable.” Setting a boundary means deciding what you are and are not comfortable with and communicating this to the person you are speaking with - this can refer to both physical and emotional situations.
Ideally, we are able to say “no” to anything that makes us feel uncomfortable or unsafe, but unfortunately, boundaries during sex are often only discussed once they’ve been crossed. Before starting a new intimate relationship with someone, it’s important to lay out what is and is not comfortable for you.
How to create a healthy boundary:
The hardest part of the process is simply starting, but often times in life we set our own personal boundaries in non-romantic/platonic relationships without even realizing it. So let’s break it down!
- Start with yourself; listen to your own body and mind and think about what you want, need, like, or dislike. Reflect on past sexual experiences or engage in solo play to feel this connectedness. Raising your self-awareness helps you confidently communicate it with others, alleviating some of the pressure you might have when setting these boundaries.
- While the idea of setting them sounds negative, frame each one with something you do deeply enjoy. By focusing on what you do desire sexually, it keeps the conversation intimate and keeps the mood light. (Hot tip: make a list of them with your partner to help visualize what you both enjoy doing!)
- Boundaries are meant to help you feel comfortable with your partner, but also to help them learn how to express their own pleasure comfortably as well. You might be surprised by some of their kinks, but the bedroom is never a place for shame. Be open minded but don’t settle if there is something that you don’t enjoy. Together you can feel out each others emotions and erotic fantasies, and a enjoy safe, consensual, and sexual connection.
- Once you both feel more comfortable, enjoy continuing the conversation further down the line- who knows, you might both want to explore something new together!
There’s freedom in setting boundaries. When you feel this connection to yourself and your partner, it allows you to feel sexually liberated and respected- which is hot! Remember, boundaries are self-care.
Further Readings
How To Make Sexual Boundaries: Allure
Get Comfortable With Sexual Boundaries: Medium
How To Set Sexual Boundaries With A New Partner: Bustle
