Andrew Gurza is an award winning Disability Awareness Consultant, who has been featured in Huff Po, Out.com, The Advocate and many other anthologies and publications. He is the host of Disability After Dark: The Podcast Shining a Bright Light on Disability Stories. Most recently, Andrew was a Production Consultant for the 2022 reboot of Queer As Folk. Find out more at www.AndrewGurza.com
I want you to think for a moment about when you’re planning a date with someone, and I want you to tap into the excitement of that moment. You may feel a twinge of butterflies in your stomach, your palms may begin to sweat, and maybe you begin to fantasize about all the endless possibilities that could happen for you on this date. This rush of excitement is one of the main reasons why all of us go on dates, right? Those endorphins feel great. The anticipation is an awesome high that we all chase after. As a disabled person, I too crave that tingle and awesome feeling of setting up a date with someone.
For me, the excitement is even stronger because of all the ableism that I face just trying to get a date. Along with my sweaty hopefulness though, there is another part of dating that I have to contend with as a disabled person: having to cancel a sex date due to my disability. Today, I want to talk about what it feels like to cancel a sex date as a disabled person, as well offer a few solutions to still feel sexy even if you have to cancel. So, my deliciously disabled and non-disabled readers, let’s dive on into it.
QUICK LINKS:
1. How Canceling a Date Feels to a Disabled Person
2. The Fear of a Superior Sex Partner
3. How Many Times Can You Cancel a Sex Date?
4. How to Feel Sexy After Canceling a Sex Date
Canceling A Sex Date Feels Really Bad – Because Ableism
I am someone who lives with chronic illnesses and disabilities on the daily, so I am really used to shifting my schedule around to accommodate my needs. In fact, sometimes I say that my number one skill is knowing how to cancel with grace. I have no problem doing this for everyday happenings like work or appointments that I just can’t make, but I’ll be super honest here, having to cancel a sex date as a disabled/chronically ill person feels extra awful. It feels extra bad because of the ableism that so many of us experience. We most likely had to fight to be even considered a viable sexual option with this date, and so having to cancel or postpone an opportunity to finally be taken seriously as a sexual being can be really hard. We don’t want to have to get on the phone to tell you that we can’t make it because of our disabilities. I dread those calls and texts, but have to make them often, and they never get any easier.
We Worry That You’ll Find Someone Better, Hotter, More Able-bodied
One of the things that I hate about having to cancel a sex date as a chronically ill and disabled person, is the fear that my prospective sex partner, upon hearing that my disability has me on my knees (and not in the way I’d prefer), will decide not to pursue me at all in favor of a less disabled partner; someone who is much more reliable and able to meet their sexual needs and desires. I worry that the second I let you know, you’ll start the hunt for someone “not so disabled” to be your bedfellow, and that internalized ableism is unbearable. If I’m honest, it plagues me far too much.
How Many Times Can I Cancel Before You’ve Had It?
Something I find particularly difficult when canceling or postponing a sexual tryst as a result of disability or chronic illness, is worrying about how many times I can cancel before you’ve had enough. Will it be 2, 3, 5, 10? What will the magic number be, where my lover decides that my issues are an excuse instead of a truth? Having to continuously contend and wrestle with disability needs and illness, means that this question is constant for the cute crip trying to get themselves some. And, yes, the number of times we have to cancel, and our date stays interested in us matters (the longer the better - pun intended).
I Don’t Get To Show Off My Crip Sex Skills
The biggest disappointment I think in canceling a sex date as a disabled person, at least for me, rests on the fact that if I cancel on you I won’t get to dispel the myth that disabled people aren’t sexy with you in real time. I won’t get to show you my hard-earned crip sex skills. If I cancel on you, you might continue believing a whole bunch of half-truths about sex and disability, and that’s a true shame. I relish the opportunity to show you that I am disabled in the streets, but your disabled dom in the sheets, and when I have to cancel, that can’t happen. Boo!
I wanted to share how canceling a date really feels for a disabled and chronically ill person, and I hope this list shines a light on the emotions for you, but, before we kiss goodnight, I want to offer a few substitutions you can put in place if you need to cancel an in-person play date because of disability. Here are just a few:
- Have a Sexy Zoom Room
Thanks to the pandemic everyone has Zoom. Why not Schedule a sultry Zoom session together if delaying gratification is necessary? It’s hot, trust me.
- Story Time
If you have to cancel your criptastical adventures, consider sexy story telling. You and your sex partner can write out what you’d like to happen, and then share them with one another later. Erotic stories are all the rage, and a hot disabled sex story starring you? Yes, please!
- Talk It Out
If your cool crip lover cancels, I recommend listening to them and reassuring them that you want to see them again. Let them know that you understand, and that their disability will make them just as hot when you do get to partake in play with them.
I hope this piece gave you the opportunity to understand what internalized ableism around canceling dates can feel like, and helped you to empathize more than you may have previously. I hope that if you are disabled and chronically ill, this article helps you feel heard and understood. Until next time lovelies!
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Further Readings:
Structural Barriers to Sexual Autonomy for Disabled People: American Bar
The Impacts of The Desexualization of Disabled People: The Unwritten
A Disability Guide to Relationships, Sex, & Health: University of San Francisco
